Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
