you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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