and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize