god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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