i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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