I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
