i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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