I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
