Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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