A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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