So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
