someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
