Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
