Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
