im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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