Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize