It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
