I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
