that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
