My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
