Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
