your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
