i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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