I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
