found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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