I'm so fucking centered right now
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
