being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
