I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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