What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize