I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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