I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
