Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
