I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
