I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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