I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
