I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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