your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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