Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
