It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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