I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
