my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
