she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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