remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think I died a long time ago.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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