i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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