i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
