chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
