i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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