the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
