I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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