my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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