Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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