Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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