before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
