Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
