I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
