Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize