meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
