Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
