Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
