last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
