im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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