I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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