Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize