I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
