the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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