first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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