There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
