Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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