Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
