What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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