what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
And then my night got REAL pukey
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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