I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Randomize